She Said....(this is a poem I wrote years ago frustrated with the dating world)

She said make him work
Make him sweat
Make him bleed
Cause when he invest after a certain point they not willing to loose
Give up or mess up
I told her that is not true
Man invest in me but still mess up
She said im weak, easy, predictable
She said I didn’t make him work hard enough
She said I didn’t fail though cause he still there
Trying, chasing, working
She said im too pretty
Too pretty for this bull
She said I got to demand
Be a brat get my way
If he don’t comply…keep it moving cause they’re innumerable they keep coming
She said always keep the ball in my court
I must always hold the cards
Its all on my time
She said don’t second guess myself
She said I care too much
Just listen to the first voice that comes to my head
Cause that’s it, its in me
She said she sees it but I always hold back

My other she, she said
She said keep it real and keep it moving
She said I always settle for less
She said plant the seed it might humble me now, but he gonna be sick later

What do I think? What do I say?
First I’ll question, then I’ll say
I question
What do you mean I’m too pretty?
Just because people call me beautiful I am not entitled to humiliation and pain?
Pretty people should not be taken advantage of?
Is this my defense? Im too pretty for this?
Im sorry, that doesn’t sit well with me.
There are a list of reasons why I don’t deserve this but because I am perceived as pretty thats the only one that counts.

She said I hold back because Im too nice
I want to be nice, I like it, I want to be sweet it feels good
Why must I be callous and selfish?
Why is this necessary to gain respect?
Why aren’t I valued in my delicacy?
Must I always have control?
Sometime I enjoy being calm and trusting
Trusting the wind
Trusting life going wherever it takes me
Already knowing I am safe
I don’t want total control over a person, not even my daily events
I could not live without the element of surprise
I want Man’s willful good and intentional actions to populate my day
Will these actions only occur if I train Man well and make Man work?
I am sorry, this doesn’t sit well with me

Why is Man innumerable?
For this reason I hate living in such an industrial nation, where even Men are easily replaced
My Man should be unique
Man should occupy a space no other can replace
Man is innumerable? Easily replaceable?
I am sorry, this doesn’t sit well with me

Maybe Man is right…Im too emotional
I questioned now…
I will say…I say unfortunately this is the world I live in
In this nation there is a game we all must play
I tried to stay out of the game but I soon discovered I was the only one not playing
Therefore Im going in

Man is intended to work
Ever since Adam what Man obtains is from the sweat of his brow 
Man must sweat to live
Therefore, it is my duty to play my role
I must help him sweat so he may continue to live and survive
Man will work
His labor produces sweat 
which waters the fruit of my affection
once this fruit is harvested I will have to endure my curse of natural pain and forever beware
of all these slithering snakes
snakes who will try to destroy whatever balance we create

Anyways, back to the game
I wasn’t always pretty
I wont always be pretty
I did not ask for this advantage 
It was given to me
Unfortunately I must use the power while I have it
Man I am beautiful, treasure and respect me because I am
Beautiful..You are innumerable
I can get another Man who knows how to sweat
Unfortunately I can not trust the wind
So I will float on my thoughts whim
No longer my tongue will I hold
The game demands me to be bold
My name is Bitter Grace
Unfortunately callous skin and a selfish front is necessary to protect what I find truly beautiful

But what if?
(She hates when I say that)
What if while Im playing my Man steps out
I approach him as an innumerable and 
he walks away because… 
Im just another chick in the game?

Power Struggles

Have you ever been in the middle of an argument and realize that you are not being the bigger person?  However, you cant seem to just drop it?  You refuse to let it go!

My little sister and I got into an argument last night.  It was the evening of Black Friday.  We were both irritable since we had only had about 4 hours of sleep.  It was a small argument that just got out of control.  

I have two pictures of my husband and I on my coffee table.  Through out the day she was putting the frames face down so that I could not look at them.  By the end of the evening I insisted she put the frames the way I had them.  The power struggle began.  She refused.  Our voices got louder and louder and we both insisted more and more.  After several minutes of bickering I said fine you want to act like that...I will give you a taste of your own medicine.  I walked out of the room, went to the bathroom and closed the door.  But in no way was I avoiding the argument.  In fact, I knew this was making it worse.  I realized she was not going to move pictures back to the way I had them.  So I had to take control in another way.  I told her that I was done discussing this with her, I have no more words for you and don't want to hear anything else you may have to say.  

I am staring at myself in the mirror.  "What are you doing?"  This is not mature.  It is not a big deal.  You know better.  It's your lil sis you know how she is.  Grow up!  But that 10 year old bossy big sister in me was really trying to prove a point.  I am older, I always have been and you have to listen to me or, or, or I will tell Mami.  Except we are both in our 20's now and the age difference doesn't matter anymore.

I took Cherub (my dog) and pet him for a few minutes.  This helps me relax.  I then got his leash and went for a walk with him.  During the walk I did some of my breathing exercises.  I began regulating my emotions.  I needed to tell the lil brat in me to take a hike.  When I went back inside I apologized to my sister.  She was still upset and not in the mood to make up.  You know those lil phrases that they say when they really want to get even.  Yea, she pulled out the big guns.  Anyways, just like we know what buttons to press.  We also know what windows to open to bring in some fresh air.  I distracted her with showing her eye-shawdow colors I thought would look nice on her and minutes later it was like nothing happened.      

I just think it is fascinating that many times we know what we are doing is not a good idea.  But we still do it.  Why is the power struggle so irresistible? Why are some of us so driven to prove a point! 

I am personally trying to increase my emotional intelligence.  Realize when I should allow an emotional state to take its course and when it is best for me to minimize its influence on my body and thoughts.  I think we should all study ourselves just as we observe others.  You might know what it means when your friend starts taping his foot.  Or what it means when your girlfriend bites her lip.  

You have several cues others pick up on, that you are not even consciously aware of performing.  I believe if we were aware of ourselves mind and body, it would improve communication and strengthen our social relationships.

My Thanksgiving

I come from a big family.  My husband is in the military so we moved over a thousand miles away to his duty station.  No family around.  How will I survive these holidays?

Luckily my youngest sister was willing to come keep me company for Thanksgiving.  I was never responsible for cooking a Thanksgiving meal before.  Usually, the meal is hosted at a family members house and everyone brings their special dish and you eat yourself into a coma.  I never observed anyone actually cooking all these dishes.  I was very intimidated as I rolled up my sleeves to start cooking today.  Luckily a Army Wife buddy joined us to teach me how to cook green bean casserole and candied yams.  There are so many recipes online.  A hands on cooking lesson was definitely ideal for me.

I seasoned the Turkey drumsticks with traditional Puerto-Rican seasonings: sazon, adobo, sofrito, and recaito.  Then I added some popular seasonings like Italian seasoning, sage, garlic, & onion.  A lil bit of water and Viola!  It was juicy and delicious.  I was so proud of myself.

We also made corn on the cob, corn bread stuffing, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, candied yams, green salad and of course Pumpkin Pie w/whip cream on top.  I will most likely not have to cook for a few days.  I have been glued to my futon for hours, no thanks to too much food and a few glasses of wine.  I definitely need to exercise extra hard for the rest of the week.

I was a lil homesick and missing my loved ones.  However, soooo grateful for who I was able to share this Thanksgiving with.  My dog "Cherub" and his new girlfriend lol (Army Wife buddy's dog) provided us with hours of entertainment.  I need to put up the pics of these two together.

I adopted Cherub (the lil yorkie) only a couple weeks ago.  Today I learned he has a serious horn dog issue.  Lol! 

Work from Home

Calming down after a stressful day

Today was one of those roller coaster days for me.  I let my frustration get the best of me.  In the heat of the moment it is sometimes difficult to remember there are two sides to every story.  Also hard to remember that it is best to do your research before making assumptions.  Either way I allowed myself to become upset.  End result I ended up feeling like a fool but my adrenaline was still pumping thru me and I could not relax.

1) I frequently find that 15 minute or longer if possible, bubble baths are a GREAT help.  I poured some of my Avon Bubble Bath (vanilla cream is my favorite right now) and let the water run & bubbles grow.  

2) While sitting in the warm bubbles I just did some breathing exercises.  Deep breaths in, held it, then out.  Allowing myself to relax and enjoy the bubbly, warm and silky water.  I also have a massaging bath pillow which does wonders.  (I got it at Wal-Mart $19)

3) I like to pray, other people meditate while others do both.  This is very tranquilizing.  Don't get me wrong it takes effort especially if you are really stressed/angry/sad/etc but it does help.  Focussing your attention on something other than ruminating on your current emotional state.

4) I absolutely love scented candles.  Candles, potpourri, scented oil and other forms of aroma-therapy aren't successful for nothing.  Find a scent that you enjoy and puts you at ease! 

A lil psych 101 olfactory memories (scent memories) are very powerful.  Ever walk by someone wearing cologne/perfume and have a wave of flashbacks?  Smell freshly baked cookies and your stomach starts growling?  Smells have the ability to change moods, trigger memory and create physiological responses.  

5) Play some music in the background to get your mind off it.  You might need a relaxing song to chill out.  Or a energetic song, that makes you dance, sing, act a fool and cheer up.

6) Talk to someone.  No one around available? Talk to your pet.  Sometimes you just need get it out, say it out loud.  And sometimes someone else's advice or encouragement or a funny joke is all you need to hear.

7) Journaling.  If anyone reads my journal they will probably think I am a angry person.  I tend to journal when feeling a severe negative emotion.  Sometimes writing thoughts that would be hurtful to say helps.  Come back to it a couple days later, see if you feel the same way.  (Keep these private!) I usually say Wow! I am glad I kept that to myself, I cant believe I let that get to me.  I need to work on regulating my emotions.

There are several other things you can do....These are the ones that work best for me :-)

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